What a difference a day makes

So yesterday I wrote about being in a rut effectively and not really having the chance to talk to people but in the space of a day from voicing the opinion, I have made the first steps I mentioned to sorting it out.

I have been injured and not able to play rugby for quite a while now (5 months give or take) and last night I went down to my rugby club whilst Granny kindly babysat for me to take part in the Monday night O2 Touch Rugby session.  This session plays closer to rugby league rather than union which I normally play - 6 tackles, rollback for a tackle, no scrums, relies on running lines and handling skills.  It also takes away ALL the contact areas from either code.  We have kids as young as 8 playing with us (and yes we let them score too) and folks as old as late 40s.  I am never fit enough to train with the first team and there is no such thing as a Veterans squad training session so this is what I use as my cardio and skills training each week.

The amount of people there that came up to me and said something along the lines of "Hey, you're back, wecome!" was amazing and made me remember why I chose this club to call my home, it's such a great atmosphere, such awesome people and it's never too high pressure to perform.  I felt the weight of lonliness simply fall away and I felt stronger, more confident and more my normal self, even if the last 10 minutes of the last game we played were in horrendous conditions (high wind, hail stinging every part of the body and bloody cold).

So I came home, had a bath to soothe the aches (didn't work too well I am aching today pretty badly but thats just due to lack of conditioning and not another injury thank goodness).  I then went online to start a conversation on a group I have joined.  I felt confident to set out my stall and say I wanted to talk to someone and why I wanted to talk, it felt easy to be open about how I feel and to be honest I am quite proud of myself.

I ended up having a long chat with someone and we have continued the discussion this morning while the little one was at school.  To actually have someone listen to me, and for me to feel comfortable enough to give them a warts and all recent life story and have them not run off screaming and then share their equivalent with me has done me the world of good.  I said I would post on how it was going so here I am, and I certainly hope this isn't just a lucky start and I continue to feel this good about myself at last.

Familiar situation

Well, I was a silly sausage (as my son sometimes calls me) this morning and completely forgot that I had agreed to visit the old dear this morning and put a fence panel back up for her and put some stuff in the loft.  I am rather glad I did forget now, because I had an interesting call from Social Services today and I am sure many other single parents, of both sexes, have been through this and I wanted to say what I thought about it.

So this call comes in and they say there have been allegations made.  Now, this is familiar territory for me as it has happened before.  They spend about five minutes on the phone detailing what has been alleged and I won't go into that, but they ask if they can come to the house for an inspection, which I agreed to, why not after all.  They said someone would be with me in around three quarters of an hour (so they wanted to see if they could make sure I didn't have time to do any housework or preparation).  Needless to say the poor worker apologised as soon as she came in because the allegations were obviously baseless, she was here for a whole five minutes after I insisted on giving her a tour of the house and then she was gone.

I have since had another phone call to apologise for the inconvenience it had caused me.  The way I see it, they haven't caused me any inconvenience, after all they have a duty to look into all allegations, they have spoken to the school who also confirmed other allegations made were also baseless.

So here is the point to this post.  Through all of the processes of getting custody of my kids, and everything they have been through during the separation a few years back up until now, the way I have approached everything has been for their benefit, I don't play games of one-upmanship or anything with their mother as that detriments the kids.  She however is trying her hardest to make it as difficult as possible for me, whilst not having the kids interests at heart (she can't even be bothered to pay child maintenance).  I wonder how many other parents see the same behaviour from the absent parent, and how they cope with it and if they have got past the point of the absent one playing games how they managed it.  Let me know :)

Top 5 things the kids need

It's the weekend yay! What I have decided to do this weekend and see if I can carry it on going forward, is make a short list of stuff that I have found beneficial in some way when struggling or things I have learned.

So lets get right into it.  This week I will be doing the top 5 things that my kids need in terms of making them happy and content at home.

5) Rules: Everyone needs rules.  It may seem a little strange to start off the list with something which means that you have the need to discipline your kids but without rules they don't learn what is right and what is wrong.  I will admit to having been lax on occasion with the household rules and thats when the tantrums start and a child having a tantrum is not a happy child.  Discuss the rules with the kids, let them give you their opinion, have a little flexibility when you set them and listen to what they say and they are more likely to stick to them.

4) Fun: A boring Dad makes an unhappy child.  Having fun with the kids builds the bond between you, it may just be a tickle, dancing like a monkey in the kitchen, or building lego or playing computer games together.  I challenge any parent who is feeling down to play with their kids, its better than any anti-depressant drugs on the planet, a child's genuine laughter can brighten anyones day not least the child's.

3) Attention: Everyone needs attention, not just the kids, but making sure you find time for them no matter what you have on your plate makes for happier children.  With my kids I get one to one time with my daughter every afternoon while her brother is still in school, and then I get one to one time with my son every evening after his sister goes to bed.  This time is led by them, we can play together, read together, whatever they chose.

2) Routine: Keeping up a routine for the children means that they know what is coming, when it is coming and what they are doing.  The routine doesn't include behavioural management, but things like breakfast at the table as a family, going to school, which days you take them swimming, what time bed time is all come under this heading.  You can be flexible with some parts of the routine as a reward if you like, letting them stay up an extra half an hour on a Friday night because they have had a good week at school doesn't cost anything!

1) Consistency: I have a feeling, especially with my kids that this should always top the list.  Having consistent parenting, either just on your own or combined with the absent parent if they are also involved, means that the kids feel settled, they know where the boundaries are, and the more uncertainty you can remove from their life by having these boundaries the better for them.

Obviously there are plenty other things that help keep the children happy, do you agree with me in my list? What do you think is different? Comment below with your top 5.

The joys of inconsistency

When it comes to the kids, the one thing that they value that they don't realise is consistency.  When it comes to any interaction with their absent mother I try my hardest to present a united front, keep access as consistent as I possibly can (and yet invariably if it changes I have to deal with the tantrums when they get let down).

There are plus points about being flexible as long as its used as a tool to enhance the kids enjoyment and caring and not for ones own agenda.

The problem I have had recently is that there has been a change on the absent mother's part since the Christmas holidays that really annoys me because that change is bourne of sheer laziness.  The problem is this; over Christmas, my daughter had a couple of accidents in bed.  Now she has been dry through the night for a year or so now and its come as a bit of a surprise that she had an accident at all.  What I would expect is that its dealt with, and reinforcement of sleep routines and making sure she can get to the toilet during the night safely and explaining to her what she needs to do, making her comfortable.  What I wouldn't expect is her mother putting her back in nappies ARGH!

Now I don't normally ask the kids anything about what they do with their mother - I don't want them ever feeling like they have to hide anything or 'spy' for me, not interested in that in the slightest.  I always ask them if they enjoyed their weekend and if they did anything fun and listen to the resulting chat but won't pry about specifics.  However, and I feel guilty for doing it this time, I have had to.  The reason she is in nappies is that they are not allowed to get out of bed until an alarm goes off at their mothers.  So my little girl thinks she has to stay in bed and shes desperate for the toilet but fearful of reprisals if she gets up to go, so she wets the bed.

I have countered this by having a potty in her room, making a game of making sure there are enough lights on so she can see her way to the toilet if she wants to go, and to reward dry nights rather than criticise wet nights.  This has been very successful - even if it does mean that sometimes she wakes me up before 5am thinking its time to get up.  One battle at a time!

So comes the next problem - how do I speak to their mother about this? She will accuse me of meddling and trying to be controlling when all I am after is consistency for the children and not regression.  Any ideas, then leave a comment let me know what you think might work.

By a Dad, for Dads (and Mums) doing it on their own

About two and a half years ago I became a single lone father, caring for my two children on my own.  There is nothing unique about that, a lot of parents end up in the same situation for one reason or another but what I have noticed when I have been using the internet to help me through various problems that have come up over time is that most of the places that offer support are extremely biased towards lone mothers.

So I thought to myself "Why should we lone fathers be excluded or ignored?"

I don't claim to be the best parent in the world, I haven't got all the answers, I don't know what I am doing as much as the next Dad but I am using this blog to offer support and ideas to other fathers who, like me, gave up their careers, and decided to put the children first.  Always.

So what can you expect to see here? Well, I will be documenting not just the crazy and naughty stuff my kids get up to but the minor (and major) achievements they make that make me a proud dad.  I will also be documenting how I see the various school interactions differently from lone mothers (or indeed just the mothers at the gate).

I am very lucky in having a support network around me that is awesome, both family and friends, but there are some things that come as a shock to all parents and the children they care for and when you are on your own its sometimes difficult to move past it.

Sometimes I will be coming here to rant and rave so that I can vent frustration, sometimes I will be the proud Papa, sometimes I will be what my 9 year old son describes as the "Man-child".

So lets start this process by meeting the kids, after all, without them I wouldn't have anything to write.

My oldest is my son, Dylan.  He is 9 years old and currently in Year 4 at Primary School.  He has experienced anger and frustration and therefore behaviour problems since my ex-wife and I split up.  He reminds me of me, I can see the frustration and its heartbreaking at times.  I can also see the intelligence in his eyes and the drive in his soul.

My youngest is my daughter Elliott.  She is 3 and goes to school Nursery in the mornings.  She is friendly, bold and articulate, and thankfully was too young at the time to have any lasting memory of the marital break up.  She also has a condition with her eyes called bilateral coloboma which makes her have strange shaped pupils and it affects her vision.  How much it affects it I am not sure, even after lots of hospital visits.

So why not keep tabs on how these two end up? Come along for the ride with me as I tell the story of the kids, the school and the local community from the eyes of a Dad who is working it all out as it comes, no gloss, no dramatisation,