Season over

I have posted before about coping with the little ones when injured - and I have gone and done it again.  An invitation went out last week for a Veterans tournament at the rugby club, a couple of short games about the same length we play in O2 Touch sessions but normal contact rules apply.  Seeing as I was maybe 80% fit from the last injury I agreed to play, whilst making the guys know full well I would have to be in the backs rather than the pack.

It started well - in O2 Touch I always end up playing on the wing, no idea why (although it probably has something to do with me needing to catch my breath a lot more than the kids who come to the sessions), so the manager put me on the wing again for the tournament.  I can't pass to my right very well at all, but because when I play in the pack I am a crash ball specialist it doesn't normally matter too much, but in the backs I had to go on the right wing to reduce the chance of me needing to lob the egg that way.

Now, back when I was a teenager I used to play for 2 teams, one juniors and one seniors.  For the juniors I played at outside centre, but with the seniors I was way smaller and younger than the rest of the team, and way faster so I was a winger for them and as soon as I stepped out onto the wing it all came back to me, and there were a lot of high balls to catch and run back.  It was under one of these that I managed to cripple myself yet again without the help of anyone else on either team.  A high ball went up, I caught it and almost fumbled it and that little bit of juggling cost me precious time.  I was being closed down rather quickly so I did a dive pass to get the ball to my full back to let him hoof it up field rather than have me try and find touch with my left boot.  As I hit the ground, stretched out, pass arcing gracefully (Ha!) towards the full back, something went crack.

I struggled on for another 10 mins or so but ended up not being able to run and with a rather painful feeling in my lower back and hamstrings.  I came home after the matches, took painkillers and manned up, going to a gig the Saturday night with the camera and being a dirty stop out.

Fast forward to Tuesday.  I am supposed to be going out with a friend to celebrate his birthday but I am in agony.  I booked a docs appointment and cancelled (although we should be going out tonight instead if I can find a babysitter!).  I go to the docs Wednesday morning only to be told my season is well and truly over.  I have played only 4 games for my club this season and there won't be any more added to that total.  I managed to damage the soft tissue around the base of my spine and the swelling has pinched a couple of nerves so painkillers, anti-inflammatory meds and rest.  Til Preseason starts anyhow! 

Simple pleasures

Today my little one has had a friend over to play.  I often help out his parents by having him after nursery for a while when they are at work, and they both play together brilliantly.  I picked up a digital SLR camera the other day and so I thought I would take them both down a local country park and see what the camera could do.

Needless to say the kids played the whole time, and I think I took far too many photos, but the plan is to learn how to use the G.I.M.P. image editing software as well so I can keep some great memories of the kids - and seeing as how I don't work, it makes for easy gifts if I can make little photo keepsakes for friends and family birthdays while I am at it.

I have also been booking tickets to gigs.  One of the best things about enjoying the unsigned music scene is that the shows are cheap to go to and there is a real community who turn up at a lot of the same shows that I do.  It doesn't seem to matter whether its a gig in Leicester, Wolverhampton, Birmingham or even further afield, there is a good bunch who attends whatever they can when they can.  One of the bands I am seeing this weekend is a band I used to play for a couple of years ago, and seeing as I have the camera, and going to the gig, I have offered to take some photos for the band for promo use (again assuming I can work out the imaging software).  One of the photographers I have seen at loads of local gigs has kindly given me advice and answered my questions, and the promoters have been great for giving me permission to take photos and want copies if possible, so thanks Tony from Stage dive photography and Matt from Mayhem Promotions for your help and support!

Busy, busy, busy

This weekend has been mighty busy as I still try and work out the right balance between time for the kids and time for myself.  With the confidence I have found recently I actually got invited out a couple of times as had the means to say yes, thanks to a very kind old dear babysitting for me.  Friday was the first time in I think a year that I was able to go out and have a couple of drinks.  I can say for sure I can't hold it like I used to, but I still know my limits and a friend of mine was very kind to me and kept me busy on the text front while I was having mild panics because I didn't really know many people at the bar we were at.  Yes I was probably being very antisocial but I was still interacting with people so I felt good.

Saturday I woke up with the inevitable bad head and struggled a little but still managed to do what is a Saturday tradition for us and take the kids down to the local swimming pool for an hour or so.  I am not pushing them into doing badges or learning, they do that with their Mother I believe so our sessions are all about having a bit of fun as a family.

Cue Saturday night and I do my best to keep off the phone but the occasional glance kept reassuring me with words of encouragement again, but this time we headed down to a rock bar I haven't been in since I was at university (quite a while ago!).  Not a single thing has changed I don't think!  I was introduced to a fair few people and bumped into some of the ones I had met on Friday night too, reaffirming the whole atmosphere of community which I have been looking for.  Again the beer was flowing so I was having some very strange conversations, including one with a random chap called Thomas who worked in marketing promoting animal rights who confessed to me he felt really bad about his job sometimes because he loved a bacon sandwich.  I also bumped into one or two folks I haven't seen in a couple of years from back when I was in the band scene as a band member and not just a fan - including one of the guys from an excellent band who's farewell gig was the first one I took my brother to a few years back.

So I was actually quite careful on Saturday night and didn't drink myself into a torpor, knowing I would be driving on Sunday (hence looking relatively sober in the photo).  Sunday was a big day for me.  A rite of passage as you will.

My son has come and watched me play rugby a fair few times, and also come to watch Lichfield play when I have been injured but Sunday was something a little more special, I took him to his first Premiership rugby match for Wasps vs Saracens in Coventry.  We got there good and early and had enough time to kit him out in a Wasps hoodie and cap which he chose himself and while my family contributed towards (club gear can be rather expensive!) and we duly took up our place in the stadium, only to be sat in front of the chap called Matt that I was talking to at the Wasps vs Gloucester game the week before.  I can see a theme starting here eh?  I want to show my lad that talking to people and making friends, whilst pretty difficult for me at least, is a good thing to do so I introduced him and he was impeccably behaved throughout, chanting along with the calls for Wasps, asking the right kind of questions ("What's that penalty for?") and then he came up with a couple of really good questions.  He asked me who my favourite rugby player is, so I told him its James Haskell who plays for Wasps in the same position that I like to think of as my normal spot on the back row.

Photo from BBC Sport

I then got asked to point him out, but unfortunately he wasn't playing yesterday because he is part of the England setup.  Little did I realise but the little man was on a mission so he persisted by asking who was my favourite player on the pitch.  I don't think he was expecting me to name a Saracen but I did - Jaques Burger who is a lion of a man who plays with such passion and heart that even though he tackles with his face sometimes, it is always clear he is having the time of his life each game.

Photo from talkingrugbyunion.co.uk

  What the little dude did next gave me such a glow.  He turns to look at me and says "Dad, you are my favourite rugby player".  Made my heart melt - how could a father not feel the most insane amount of pride at managing to be his son's hero?  I try my hardest to be the best Dad I can be, and kids being kids you don't always get the feedback you need to know you are doing a good job but when they come out with something like that well.... makes it all worthwhile!

Well, that was unexpected

It worked! It actually worked.  I have to admit that until about 5 minutes before kick off at the rugby match yesterday I thought I was going to get an entire row to myself but then these chaps came in and somehow the ticket I booked was right in the middle of where they were sat so I was splitting them up.  Knowing what my plan for the afternoon was (aside from watching Wasps vs Gloucester - was a great game!), I swallowed the nerves and offered to switch with the chap on the end so they could all sit together.  They duly accepted and for the first half pretty much talked between themselves and shouted at Wayne Barnes the ref.

They were getting onto the finer points of contesting a breakdown towards the end of the first half so I just bit the bullet and leaned in and offered my insight - cue a conversation! Yay go me!  I ended up chatting with this bloke called Matt who had an affiliation to Coventry rugby club for most of the second half while we were watching and he was a cracking chap.  I won't bore you with all of the details, after all it was pretty much all based on rugby and the various injuries sustained playing the sport we both love, but at the end as they were about the head to the fan village to watch the England match he said something that I don't think he realised meant a hell of a lot to me.  He said him and his friends are season ticket holders and that the seats they have are the seats they will be in every home match, if I wanted, why not book the same seat for myself and we can meet up next time I am down.  Needless to say after getting home I booked tickets for my son and I to go and watch the game against Saracens this weekend.

Now this meeting and a couple of other things that have gone on during the past couple of days have made me realise that a lot of the problems I am facing are because of things that have happened to me in the past which makes it difficult for me to form meaningful friendships and relationships.  So I have decided that it is best for the kids if Dad isn't a complete loner who doesn't really talk to anyone, but I need help getting the confidence that I used to have back.  I have been stuck in this rut for too long and so I am spending this morning finding out what support services are on offer locally and getting back to who I was before this dip.  It's not just for the kids, its for me, and it's for someone else too who's wise advice and genuine honesty telling me I need to get my shit together has helped me make this decision - you know who you are so I want to say "Thank You!".

Edit: Well I got some bad news today - very bad news and I am gutted but I can't really dwell on it, just have to move forward and get back to being myself.

See, it's not all easy

I think I lucked out a little bit before and was full of enthusiasm so the past couple of days I tried a couple of different things - coffee down the town for one.  What struck me was the sheer number of the stereotypical 'moms going for coffee' after the school run.  I felt the confidence that my first day trying had granted me sliding away to the point of staring down at my coffee until I had finished, feeling rather embarrassed at being alone.

The kids are away this weekend so I have planned to go out to a couple of places and do something an old friend and I used to do when I was at university.  We would make a random friend every time we went out, quite on purpose.  No, we didn't spend all night chatting up young ladies, it was men, women, anyone.  I distinctly remember two of these episodes - the first was a chap from Leicester, he repaired fruit machines for a living and he was good fun, nice to chat to and stayed with us the rest of the evening.  The second was a small group of people, they were sat on some leather sofas in one of the bars we used to go to so my friend and I sat opposite them as the seat was free and started conversation.  We ended up heading off to a rock club as a big group and its probably the only time I have really let my hair down on the dance floor.

Needless to say these experiences are probably a little out of reach nowadays.  I would be happy with just feeling like I could start a conversation but it appears to elude me at the moment.

I am also planning on doing something else this weekend that I have never done before, much to my chagrin.  I am headed over to Coventry on Sunday to watch Wasps play my lad's home team, Gloucester in the Aviva Premiership.  Can't really call yourself a rugby fan if you don't go to watch the team you like eh?  Straight after that match the England match is being shown in the fan village so if I manage to strike out with having a conversation in that kind of setting I need shooting!

Here's to a better weekend.

What a difference a day makes

So yesterday I wrote about being in a rut effectively and not really having the chance to talk to people but in the space of a day from voicing the opinion, I have made the first steps I mentioned to sorting it out.

I have been injured and not able to play rugby for quite a while now (5 months give or take) and last night I went down to my rugby club whilst Granny kindly babysat for me to take part in the Monday night O2 Touch Rugby session.  This session plays closer to rugby league rather than union which I normally play - 6 tackles, rollback for a tackle, no scrums, relies on running lines and handling skills.  It also takes away ALL the contact areas from either code.  We have kids as young as 8 playing with us (and yes we let them score too) and folks as old as late 40s.  I am never fit enough to train with the first team and there is no such thing as a Veterans squad training session so this is what I use as my cardio and skills training each week.

The amount of people there that came up to me and said something along the lines of "Hey, you're back, wecome!" was amazing and made me remember why I chose this club to call my home, it's such a great atmosphere, such awesome people and it's never too high pressure to perform.  I felt the weight of lonliness simply fall away and I felt stronger, more confident and more my normal self, even if the last 10 minutes of the last game we played were in horrendous conditions (high wind, hail stinging every part of the body and bloody cold).

So I came home, had a bath to soothe the aches (didn't work too well I am aching today pretty badly but thats just due to lack of conditioning and not another injury thank goodness).  I then went online to start a conversation on a group I have joined.  I felt confident to set out my stall and say I wanted to talk to someone and why I wanted to talk, it felt easy to be open about how I feel and to be honest I am quite proud of myself.

I ended up having a long chat with someone and we have continued the discussion this morning while the little one was at school.  To actually have someone listen to me, and for me to feel comfortable enough to give them a warts and all recent life story and have them not run off screaming and then share their equivalent with me has done me the world of good.  I said I would post on how it was going so here I am, and I certainly hope this isn't just a lucky start and I continue to feel this good about myself at last.

Lonliest job of all?

I have to say, with me being a little bit of a social recluse, that the role of the single parent is certainly a lonely one.  I can go for quite a long time it seems without any meaningful offline adult contact and that is making the pitiful social skills even worse.

Today I have decided that there isn't going to be anyone who will just come and save me while I am not working, no office banter, no invites to coffee in the morning from the Mums at school, and I certainly don't feel any where near confident enough to ask any of those over for fear of it being misconstrued (perhaps that's why they don't as either).

Now there are plenty of options available and I am going to spend the next couple of weeks looking into them and seeing what works for me, and what doesn't.  I am after a few new friends, people to talk to during the day and maybe who might pop over of an evening but certainly not a new partner or anything like that.  I'm not a drinker so I don't go down the pub therefore that's not an option (certainly would never drink during the day!).

The types of things I have been thinking of is:

• Start going for coffee after the school run and see who the regulars are
• Get down the rugby club more often and find new friends there
• Limiting the online presence so I don't have an excuse to go and find friends offline
• Maybe start volunteering somewhere just to meet new people

Have experience of beating the lonliness associated with single parenting? Let me know.

Coping while ill

Heres another interesting topic that I would love to hear more from other lone parents about how they deal with it.  This last week I have been ill.  I won't go into gory detail but needless to say it has knocked me for six and I have really struggled to even get out of bed let alone do anything interesting with the kids, and to top it all off it is currently half term for the little ones.

So I had to fall back on the support network.  Having someone else here while the kids are up and about has helped a lot, kept the house straight for me and helped keep the kids entertained, and having a sleep over when I simply couldn't get out of bed because of the pain, and the rest of the time being slightly out of it on painkillers.

Now, I still have not recovered completely but I am well enough to do stuff again, and with only 3 days left of the holiday I am now rushing about trying to get all of the different things a parent does during half term, so I shall stop waffling and get the some food down the kids necks and take them over to the cinema.

How do you cope with an illness when you are on your own? Do you fall back onto the support network or just grin and bear it or do something completely different? Let me know.

Support networks

So I write a post about how I get stuck at home all of the time (well, comparatively) and yet just a couple of days after I get invited out for a drink with a couple of friends.  This doesn't happen all too often as I made plainly clear before so I was damned if I was going to pass up on the opportunity, and hence this leads quite nicely on to the topic for today; support networks.

Having an effective support network around you is so important, as a parent generally I think, but even more so for a single parent.  I help out some of the other parents at school by picking up their kids and looking after them for a couple of hours here and there when they are working, and whilst the offer is always made to return the favour, I have very rarely taken them up on it.  Part of this is because most of the times I want to go out are when my daughter at least is in bed, if not both of them, however some of it is because I am very aware of changing the kids routine and asking them to stay somewhere different never goes well.

A long time ago, I lived around 100 miles away from family.  We came up every other weekend to see both sides of the family but we ended up moving back up to be close to them after a medical emergency which meant our closest support very kindly drove the 40 miles from where they lived to help us with the kids.  

So the kids routinely have a sleepover at their Granny's house nowadays.  They both love staying there (and get spoilt rotten!) and some of the time its just as a treat, and other occasions, like tonight, it is because I have been invited out.  One thing I make sure of is that I always tell the kids which way around it is.  If I am asking them if they want to stay over because I am going out and they say no, I stay in.  This doesn't happen very often but I like the kids knowing that they have the final say, perhaps that makes me a soft parent, perhaps not.

Either way, tonight I managed to get out and meet friends for the first time in ages, drank far too much coke (I was driving after all), and got home far too late.  In other words I had a wonderful time, and without my support network it wouldn't have happened.  

One thing to make sure of whenever you use your support network - it's a two way thing, always is and be mindful of their needs as much as your own.  Tomorrow as re-payment I am going to be putting Christmas decorations in the loft for the old dear as she struggles to do it herself.  This may not seem like a lot compared to having the kids stay over, but it is what she asked for in return so who am I to question her?