Charity begins at home

Well Superhero and Spies day as the kids called it (Comic Relief) has been and gone and I must admit I was quite interested to see what cosplay creations there would be in the school playground.  I didn't go to any of the local supermarkets to see what costumes were available there, although I vaguely remember seeing a couple a while back in our local Sainsbury's.  In a previous post I said about what the kids wanted to go as and I very much doubt that Green Lantern has anywhere near the popularity needed for major chains to stock the merchandise.

It started off well enough - minor alterations were needed to the Green Lantern costume to make it fit a little better but considering the responsibility for looking after all of the parts of the costume (suit, mask and cheap tacky ring of power) fell to my lad, all of it was found, in working order (which is a minor miracle in this house sometimes).  The Princess Anna dress was clean and ready, I had already laid out some other things for my little lass to wear underneath because even though it was a floor length dress, I wanted to make sure she was still warm enough, and the kids were bouncing off the walls with excitement.

Now, whilst I really enjoy cosplay and the kids love dressing up too there is a much more serious message with the whole charity thing.  In one job I had a few years back we were encouraged to support the company's chosen charity and I used to run for them, I am by no means a runner and by no means a fundraiser but over the time I worked there I raised around £1000 - and also donated to my colleagues as well.  Explaining to a 3 year old is challenging but I think my 9 year old son understood the concept how I understood it for the theme; you ARE a superhero just by helping those less fortunate than yourself, regardless of whether you wear a costume or not.  So serious note done, it was time for a little photoshoot, as is a father's perogative!

So seeing the kids to school all dressed up was pretty cool, and as a bit of a comic book geek I was really interested to see who won out of Marvel and DC - and whilst it was close, it was a win for DC just about.  The main costumes were the obvious candidates, there was an entire clone army of Ironmen, Spidermen and Supergirls, and to be fair not a lot else! Certainly not another Green Lantern, and whilst there were some Queen Elsa costumes, I didn't see another Princess Anna either.

Busy, busy, busy

This weekend has been mighty busy as I still try and work out the right balance between time for the kids and time for myself.  With the confidence I have found recently I actually got invited out a couple of times as had the means to say yes, thanks to a very kind old dear babysitting for me.  Friday was the first time in I think a year that I was able to go out and have a couple of drinks.  I can say for sure I can't hold it like I used to, but I still know my limits and a friend of mine was very kind to me and kept me busy on the text front while I was having mild panics because I didn't really know many people at the bar we were at.  Yes I was probably being very antisocial but I was still interacting with people so I felt good.

Saturday I woke up with the inevitable bad head and struggled a little but still managed to do what is a Saturday tradition for us and take the kids down to the local swimming pool for an hour or so.  I am not pushing them into doing badges or learning, they do that with their Mother I believe so our sessions are all about having a bit of fun as a family.

Cue Saturday night and I do my best to keep off the phone but the occasional glance kept reassuring me with words of encouragement again, but this time we headed down to a rock bar I haven't been in since I was at university (quite a while ago!).  Not a single thing has changed I don't think!  I was introduced to a fair few people and bumped into some of the ones I had met on Friday night too, reaffirming the whole atmosphere of community which I have been looking for.  Again the beer was flowing so I was having some very strange conversations, including one with a random chap called Thomas who worked in marketing promoting animal rights who confessed to me he felt really bad about his job sometimes because he loved a bacon sandwich.  I also bumped into one or two folks I haven't seen in a couple of years from back when I was in the band scene as a band member and not just a fan - including one of the guys from an excellent band who's farewell gig was the first one I took my brother to a few years back.

So I was actually quite careful on Saturday night and didn't drink myself into a torpor, knowing I would be driving on Sunday (hence looking relatively sober in the photo).  Sunday was a big day for me.  A rite of passage as you will.

My son has come and watched me play rugby a fair few times, and also come to watch Lichfield play when I have been injured but Sunday was something a little more special, I took him to his first Premiership rugby match for Wasps vs Saracens in Coventry.  We got there good and early and had enough time to kit him out in a Wasps hoodie and cap which he chose himself and while my family contributed towards (club gear can be rather expensive!) and we duly took up our place in the stadium, only to be sat in front of the chap called Matt that I was talking to at the Wasps vs Gloucester game the week before.  I can see a theme starting here eh?  I want to show my lad that talking to people and making friends, whilst pretty difficult for me at least, is a good thing to do so I introduced him and he was impeccably behaved throughout, chanting along with the calls for Wasps, asking the right kind of questions ("What's that penalty for?") and then he came up with a couple of really good questions.  He asked me who my favourite rugby player is, so I told him its James Haskell who plays for Wasps in the same position that I like to think of as my normal spot on the back row.

Photo from BBC Sport

I then got asked to point him out, but unfortunately he wasn't playing yesterday because he is part of the England setup.  Little did I realise but the little man was on a mission so he persisted by asking who was my favourite player on the pitch.  I don't think he was expecting me to name a Saracen but I did - Jaques Burger who is a lion of a man who plays with such passion and heart that even though he tackles with his face sometimes, it is always clear he is having the time of his life each game.

Photo from talkingrugbyunion.co.uk

  What the little dude did next gave me such a glow.  He turns to look at me and says "Dad, you are my favourite rugby player".  Made my heart melt - how could a father not feel the most insane amount of pride at managing to be his son's hero?  I try my hardest to be the best Dad I can be, and kids being kids you don't always get the feedback you need to know you are doing a good job but when they come out with something like that well.... makes it all worthwhile!

Superheroes and Disney Princesses

So it's world book day this week apparently and the school my little ones go to is having a day in fancy dress to mark the occasion.  As far as I can gather, this is pretty much the same as most schools and not just some one-off that only the kids school is doing.  The theme that was chosen was superheroes and after talking with the kids we have managed to get everything sorted.

Let's spend a minute to put some context here.  I cosplay.  I go to comic conventions dressed up as some character or other.  I have been as Green Lantern, Wolverine, Marv from Sin City and I am building others all of the time.

Now my lad is prone to a little hero worship on occasion (and who doesn't love that just a little bit, come on, admit it!) and so during the discussion about what he wanted to go as (considering he already has Spiderman and Batman costumes because he is male) he said "I want to be like Dad".  I asked him what he meant by this and he said he wanted to go as one of the characters I had cosplayed.  We talked more and I decided that sending him into school with fake knives between his fingers and a cigar wouldn't really set a good example of parenting we ended up with Green Lantern.  Ebay has duly delivered and my lad is now the proud owner of a miniature version of my Green Lantern costume, complete with mask and ring of power, the only real difference apart from size is mine lights up around the chest motif with LEDs.

That was pretty straight forward to be perfectly honest.  Now came what I thought would be the tricky part.  Far too many heroines are way too sexualised in my eyes to have a 3 year old girl dress up as them.  I don't think it is appropriate, and whilst I can really admire some of the costumes (like my friends from LittleBlondeGoth cosplay, barbarian below is one of theirs), I can't agree with a child wearing something like that.

So what female superheroes are there that don't wear skin tight spandex or a chain mail bikini or similar? Searching within my own ability as a costume maker found basically nothing.  Searching on Ebay found basically nothing.  As comic book heroes and therefore most superheroes have a market that is predominately male, it is very difficult to find anything that isn't of the nature that is meant to hook into the male psyke and make you buy more comic books.

We decided to cheat instead.  Whilst strictly not a superhero, my little lass will be going to school as a cartoon character who is the main protagonist of a major film and a well known character.  She is going as Anna from Disney's Frozen.  With her being blonde I guess I could have got her dressed up as Elsa instead but she was given the choice and she said Anna (which is awesome because I had given her an Anna ballgown dress for Christmas!).

So there we have it - the school did send out a message saying please don't feel you have to buy costumes etc but there is the matter of pride (especially when you are known at school as a cosplayer), and I couldn't let the kids get ridiculed for going in a substandard costume or no costume at all.

Coping while ill

Heres another interesting topic that I would love to hear more from other lone parents about how they deal with it.  This last week I have been ill.  I won't go into gory detail but needless to say it has knocked me for six and I have really struggled to even get out of bed let alone do anything interesting with the kids, and to top it all off it is currently half term for the little ones.

So I had to fall back on the support network.  Having someone else here while the kids are up and about has helped a lot, kept the house straight for me and helped keep the kids entertained, and having a sleep over when I simply couldn't get out of bed because of the pain, and the rest of the time being slightly out of it on painkillers.

Now, I still have not recovered completely but I am well enough to do stuff again, and with only 3 days left of the holiday I am now rushing about trying to get all of the different things a parent does during half term, so I shall stop waffling and get the some food down the kids necks and take them over to the cinema.

How do you cope with an illness when you are on your own? Do you fall back onto the support network or just grin and bear it or do something completely different? Let me know.

Familiar situation

Well, I was a silly sausage (as my son sometimes calls me) this morning and completely forgot that I had agreed to visit the old dear this morning and put a fence panel back up for her and put some stuff in the loft.  I am rather glad I did forget now, because I had an interesting call from Social Services today and I am sure many other single parents, of both sexes, have been through this and I wanted to say what I thought about it.

So this call comes in and they say there have been allegations made.  Now, this is familiar territory for me as it has happened before.  They spend about five minutes on the phone detailing what has been alleged and I won't go into that, but they ask if they can come to the house for an inspection, which I agreed to, why not after all.  They said someone would be with me in around three quarters of an hour (so they wanted to see if they could make sure I didn't have time to do any housework or preparation).  Needless to say the poor worker apologised as soon as she came in because the allegations were obviously baseless, she was here for a whole five minutes after I insisted on giving her a tour of the house and then she was gone.

I have since had another phone call to apologise for the inconvenience it had caused me.  The way I see it, they haven't caused me any inconvenience, after all they have a duty to look into all allegations, they have spoken to the school who also confirmed other allegations made were also baseless.

So here is the point to this post.  Through all of the processes of getting custody of my kids, and everything they have been through during the separation a few years back up until now, the way I have approached everything has been for their benefit, I don't play games of one-upmanship or anything with their mother as that detriments the kids.  She however is trying her hardest to make it as difficult as possible for me, whilst not having the kids interests at heart (she can't even be bothered to pay child maintenance).  I wonder how many other parents see the same behaviour from the absent parent, and how they cope with it and if they have got past the point of the absent one playing games how they managed it.  Let me know :)

My son the geek.... I'm so proud

I have been a gamer for ..... longer than I care to admit.  I have mentioned before using my computer as a way of socialising when I can't go out of an evening and it has worn off on my son now as well.  He loves playing on the family xbox and laptop and doesn't watch tv, preferring to watch YouTube instead.

One of his greatest wishes for quite a while now has been to have his own YouTube channel and to emulate some of his favourite YouTubers playing some of his favourite games.  So today we have sat down and had a chat about me potentially going back to work, and the fact that this will limit the time we get together a little more than it has over the past couple of years.

One advantage of going back to work, aside from my own sanity at not feeling trapped at home and not contributing to society, is the fact that I will be able to afford some of the things we have been putting off for quite a long time as they are luxuries, so an xbox one, a new computer for him and me, giving him the laptop for school homework, and yes, finally sorting out the video capture kit and video camera for him to be able to do his vlogs and gaming videos.

So we have decided to make a channel specifically for us both gaming together - the way I see it is that we will have a record of our time together, he will get his wish of a YouTube channel and we can have a hell of a lot of fun doing it.

Now to just secure the job - kids are a wonderful motivator!

This pain won't seem to heal...

Rather a morbid title for today's post but there is good reason for it, and it's not all that morbid.  I play rugby as a means of getting my frustrations out.  Everyone bottles some aspects of their life up, has frustrations, needs an outlet.  I guess some people choose the gym, some go watch football, others do needlework, it takes all sorts.  For me its rugby and it always has been since I was a teenager.

I am the kind of person who gives it his all to everything I do.  I can't help but be driven to be the best I can be in anything I try.  In the context of rugby it doesn't mean I am in the first XV, in fact at my age and fitness level I play for the Veterans (3rd XV).  Now I try and keep fit, and yes I give everything to that as well, but the problem I have is that I get injured.  A lot.  I worked out recently that in the past 12 months I have been injured in one way or another for at least 10 of them.  I have had knee ligament damage, both ankles damaged, crazy problems with fingers, concussion, broken ribs, all in the name of my sport.

Now the issue that is the topic for today.  At the moment my problem is a small tear in my hamstring.  Not a massive issue but still enough to stop me playing.  I can cope with it pretty much without painkillers (ok I occasionally take some paracetamol when it gets really tight) and it doesn't stop me doing most things, just aware of it nagging me, constantly there.  Now, this happened about eight weeks ago when I was recovering from a knee problem - my leg has been compensating for my knee injury and it got too much for my hamstring,  The problem now is that it just won't seem to heal.  It will die down after a couple of weeks then I will end up having to do something that requires a little leg strength and ping there it goes again.  Even something as daft as playing with the kids has made it give before now.

I really want to get back to my rugby but there are 2 main points that are stopping me right now.  Firstly I am tired of coming back too soon from injury and ending up injuring myself straight away again, and secondly with spring coming soon I want to be able to run about in the garden with the kids which means I need to stop having this hamstring go pop on me.

Anyway - today has been a bit of a ramble but needless to say this is another avenue for releasing the frustration, same as rugby is.  Got any other ideas that don't end up with me heading to A&E every other Saturday afternoon? Let me know in the comments.

Top 5 things the kids need

It's the weekend yay! What I have decided to do this weekend and see if I can carry it on going forward, is make a short list of stuff that I have found beneficial in some way when struggling or things I have learned.

So lets get right into it.  This week I will be doing the top 5 things that my kids need in terms of making them happy and content at home.

5) Rules: Everyone needs rules.  It may seem a little strange to start off the list with something which means that you have the need to discipline your kids but without rules they don't learn what is right and what is wrong.  I will admit to having been lax on occasion with the household rules and thats when the tantrums start and a child having a tantrum is not a happy child.  Discuss the rules with the kids, let them give you their opinion, have a little flexibility when you set them and listen to what they say and they are more likely to stick to them.

4) Fun: A boring Dad makes an unhappy child.  Having fun with the kids builds the bond between you, it may just be a tickle, dancing like a monkey in the kitchen, or building lego or playing computer games together.  I challenge any parent who is feeling down to play with their kids, its better than any anti-depressant drugs on the planet, a child's genuine laughter can brighten anyones day not least the child's.

3) Attention: Everyone needs attention, not just the kids, but making sure you find time for them no matter what you have on your plate makes for happier children.  With my kids I get one to one time with my daughter every afternoon while her brother is still in school, and then I get one to one time with my son every evening after his sister goes to bed.  This time is led by them, we can play together, read together, whatever they chose.

2) Routine: Keeping up a routine for the children means that they know what is coming, when it is coming and what they are doing.  The routine doesn't include behavioural management, but things like breakfast at the table as a family, going to school, which days you take them swimming, what time bed time is all come under this heading.  You can be flexible with some parts of the routine as a reward if you like, letting them stay up an extra half an hour on a Friday night because they have had a good week at school doesn't cost anything!

1) Consistency: I have a feeling, especially with my kids that this should always top the list.  Having consistent parenting, either just on your own or combined with the absent parent if they are also involved, means that the kids feel settled, they know where the boundaries are, and the more uncertainty you can remove from their life by having these boundaries the better for them.

Obviously there are plenty other things that help keep the children happy, do you agree with me in my list? What do you think is different? Comment below with your top 5.

The joys of inconsistency

When it comes to the kids, the one thing that they value that they don't realise is consistency.  When it comes to any interaction with their absent mother I try my hardest to present a united front, keep access as consistent as I possibly can (and yet invariably if it changes I have to deal with the tantrums when they get let down).

There are plus points about being flexible as long as its used as a tool to enhance the kids enjoyment and caring and not for ones own agenda.

The problem I have had recently is that there has been a change on the absent mother's part since the Christmas holidays that really annoys me because that change is bourne of sheer laziness.  The problem is this; over Christmas, my daughter had a couple of accidents in bed.  Now she has been dry through the night for a year or so now and its come as a bit of a surprise that she had an accident at all.  What I would expect is that its dealt with, and reinforcement of sleep routines and making sure she can get to the toilet during the night safely and explaining to her what she needs to do, making her comfortable.  What I wouldn't expect is her mother putting her back in nappies ARGH!

Now I don't normally ask the kids anything about what they do with their mother - I don't want them ever feeling like they have to hide anything or 'spy' for me, not interested in that in the slightest.  I always ask them if they enjoyed their weekend and if they did anything fun and listen to the resulting chat but won't pry about specifics.  However, and I feel guilty for doing it this time, I have had to.  The reason she is in nappies is that they are not allowed to get out of bed until an alarm goes off at their mothers.  So my little girl thinks she has to stay in bed and shes desperate for the toilet but fearful of reprisals if she gets up to go, so she wets the bed.

I have countered this by having a potty in her room, making a game of making sure there are enough lights on so she can see her way to the toilet if she wants to go, and to reward dry nights rather than criticise wet nights.  This has been very successful - even if it does mean that sometimes she wakes me up before 5am thinking its time to get up.  One battle at a time!

So comes the next problem - how do I speak to their mother about this? She will accuse me of meddling and trying to be controlling when all I am after is consistency for the children and not regression.  Any ideas, then leave a comment let me know what you think might work.

By a Dad, for Dads (and Mums) doing it on their own

About two and a half years ago I became a single lone father, caring for my two children on my own.  There is nothing unique about that, a lot of parents end up in the same situation for one reason or another but what I have noticed when I have been using the internet to help me through various problems that have come up over time is that most of the places that offer support are extremely biased towards lone mothers.

So I thought to myself "Why should we lone fathers be excluded or ignored?"

I don't claim to be the best parent in the world, I haven't got all the answers, I don't know what I am doing as much as the next Dad but I am using this blog to offer support and ideas to other fathers who, like me, gave up their careers, and decided to put the children first.  Always.

So what can you expect to see here? Well, I will be documenting not just the crazy and naughty stuff my kids get up to but the minor (and major) achievements they make that make me a proud dad.  I will also be documenting how I see the various school interactions differently from lone mothers (or indeed just the mothers at the gate).

I am very lucky in having a support network around me that is awesome, both family and friends, but there are some things that come as a shock to all parents and the children they care for and when you are on your own its sometimes difficult to move past it.

Sometimes I will be coming here to rant and rave so that I can vent frustration, sometimes I will be the proud Papa, sometimes I will be what my 9 year old son describes as the "Man-child".

So lets start this process by meeting the kids, after all, without them I wouldn't have anything to write.

My oldest is my son, Dylan.  He is 9 years old and currently in Year 4 at Primary School.  He has experienced anger and frustration and therefore behaviour problems since my ex-wife and I split up.  He reminds me of me, I can see the frustration and its heartbreaking at times.  I can also see the intelligence in his eyes and the drive in his soul.

My youngest is my daughter Elliott.  She is 3 and goes to school Nursery in the mornings.  She is friendly, bold and articulate, and thankfully was too young at the time to have any lasting memory of the marital break up.  She also has a condition with her eyes called bilateral coloboma which makes her have strange shaped pupils and it affects her vision.  How much it affects it I am not sure, even after lots of hospital visits.

So why not keep tabs on how these two end up? Come along for the ride with me as I tell the story of the kids, the school and the local community from the eyes of a Dad who is working it all out as it comes, no gloss, no dramatisation,